Take two!

Today is five days before Christmas. A stupid day to start a diet but I'm doing it anyway. My husband and I are going at this together. We are fat together and we are going to be skinny together. We bought a food scale yesterday and I dusted off the bathroom scale the other day. I am cooking a healthy, vegetable heavy dinner tonight. I think that we are well on our way.

I'd like to appologise to my parents and to my in laws. See, they are coming to our home on Christmas. I fear that there will be an abundance of healthy food and perhaps a shortage of junk. Maybe I'll tell them that my new, bland menu is a gift of health for them this Christmas. Think they'd buy it? No, me either. Oh well.

So, my goal is to lose 160 pounds. I am NOT going to tell you how much I currenly weigh. Howwever, since I am trying to lose the weight of an entire person it is clear that I am far too fat! That's ok though- I've got this covered. I think I am ready for this.

So if you see me eating cake or cookies or pie or pastries or...... man- this is tough already!!! Well anyway, no junk for me. Or maybe just a little bite. That's it. I figure that if I start now I'll be a pro by the time New Year's resolutions begin!!!

My Team

I have found that a support team is necessary to accomplish anything. I can rationalize to myself and make eating a box of Girl Scout cookies a good idea. But there is no way that someone else would see that same "snack" as acceptable. So I have come the decision that I must be accountable to someone. I know that every diet book or nutritionist will tell you that but apparently I had to learn it on my own.

So, here is my support team. My Mom- has been there and understands my struggles. My husband- he is loving, encouraging and supportive. My friend Tara- threatens to post on my blog if I eat cake ! She is also helpful at encouraging me not to eat for reasons other than sustenance and is always on call for a chat to encourage or distract me. And lastly, my friend Sara- she understands my struggles and is a great listener. And she loaned me her fancy nutrition plan (which I will start once I figure it out!)

So now that you have met my team I would like to publicly thank them for their wonderfulness!!! I can't fix a lifetime of bad habits all by myself. I am usually a "I can do it on my own" kind of girl. So I think that maybe God is teaching me to open up and to fellowship (not my strong point) and to lay my burdens at His feet. So though this is a physical journey it is also a spiritual journey. A journey which I am glad to go on.

My husband, Kevin, dragged my lazy butt off the couch today and sent me to the gym. I am so glad that he did! I really didn't want to go but once I was there I felt so good about myself. I did ten minutes on the elliptical- pathetic, I know, but it is really hard! Then I did a half an hour on the bike and then did some upper body weights.

I was glad to exercise. I didn't realize how much my body missed moving around! It felt great! I would have liked to work out for hours but my sad, out of shape body was not up for that. In fact, to get through what I did do was painful. I had to pray my way through a good portion of my cardio. God helped me keep going. He gave me inspiration and desire. With those planted in my heart I was able to finish my workout and feel so great about myself!!

Now, as I head into tomorrow my goal is to keep up this momentum. I am going to eat well and go to the gym again.

Not Doing Well in Diet Land

So, it turns out that deciding to be on a diet is not all that it takes to actually be on a diet. I know this because I decided to eat better. I decided to eat less. I decided to exercise. And to all of the above I have not.

In fact, I ate cake. It was good. It was yummy cake! I blame Danielle for buying yummy cake. I resisted the cake at Saturday's birthday party but seeing it again at another party on Sunday was too much for me to resist!

It's funny- I want to eat better. But I don't want to want to eat better. It's like I'm mad at myself for wanting better. Sounds ridiculous but it is painfully true. I watch the fork near my mouth with pancakes or other dangerous items and though I know I should dodge the fork- I never do.

Don't get me wrong. I am trying a bit. I am doing a little better. My portions have been smaller than they normally are. So, that is good. But that is about all of the good.

I finally found my book and am loving it. It isThe Beck Diet Solution Weight Loss Workbook. I am on page 25 and am picking my weightloss plan and my exercise plan. God help me! Please! I am not good at sticking to a plan. It feels to restrictive. And because of this I am going to try just counting calories. That way, I don't have to cut anything 100% out of my diet.

Dr. Beck is a very smart person. Very insightful. She says that fat people have destructive thought processes that sabotage their attempts at healthful eating. I'm not sure what goes on in your brain but she is clearly inside of mine.

She says that fat people (she calls us "unsuccessful dieters") can't stand the feeling of hunger. That's me. She says that fat people interpret a craving as hunger. That's me. She says that fat people are so afraid of being hungry that they intentionally overeat to avoid the feelings of hunger. That's me. She says that fat people convince themselves that what they eat doesn't matter. That's me. She says that fat people feel that they should compensate themselves for a bad day with extra food. That's me. She says that fat people see that others can eat more withoug being fat and find it unfair and decide to eat more to even the playing field. That's me. She says that fat people feel defeated more easily. That's me.

So clearly Dr. Beck understands me. Now we are going to see if she can help me. I am following her book and will read more in the morning. For now I am going to bed before I eat anything else!

The Last Day

Today is the last day of old habits. Today is the day where I prepare for tomorrow. Today is the day that I let my brain begin to understand that a change is coming. Today is the day that I simultaneously wish would rush by and also would never end.

I am anxious to get on to a better life in my body. A better life for my body. At the same time though, I will miss eating whatever I want whenever I want. I need to turn my emotions to something other than food. I need to occupy my mind with things other than food.

I am turning my emotions upward. When I "need" to eat; I will pray. When I am so stressed that some nice crunchy junk food is craved; I will pray. When life gets overwhelming and I need to escape; I will pray. This is my new tool. It's interesting because God has always been there but I have always used him as a back-up for when things go wrong. What was I thinking? Clearly I was thinking about ice cream!

So today I prepare. I am eating what I normally do with the knowledge that tomorrow will be a little different. I am doing the same things today that I have done every day for the last decade or more. Tomorrow, I will do more. Today, I am going out to buy a book that cam highly recommended to me. Dr. Beck's, "Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person." It is a cognitive therapy book and I have a really good feeling about it. I am not getting into a fad diet. I am fixing the way I live.

What an exciting day!!!